The Best Gambling Jokes

Woman laughing out loud standing against yellow background while wearing a yellow top

While sports betting may be on the sideline for now, online casino games have risen to the occasion and the number of people playing around the world has skyrocketed. This is because more people have been in their homes, looking for a break from Netflix, something to entertain themselves, and who want to try their luck at making a little side cash along the way. For many people, casino games have been an enjoyable and welcome escape from the mundanity of being in lockdown.

At Borgata, we believe that gambling and betting is something that should be enjoyed; it is a great way to let off some steam, have some fun, and hopefully make some money by winning jackpot slots, casino games and much more. 

Here are some of our favorite gambling and casino jokes and one-liners from various sources to keep things light-hearted in trying times.

Jokes of the question and answer variety

couple sitting together on the couch laughing about funny online joke holding a phone
  • Q: Why is gambling banned in Africa? A: There are too many cheetahs!
  • Q: Why did the British blonde bring French fries to the casino? A:  She was told to bring her own chips.
  • Q: What’s the difference between an online casino and a live casino? A:  At an online casino, you can cry when you lose, and no one will laugh at you!
  • Q: What did the dealer say to the deck of cards? A:  I cannot deal with you anymore!
  • Q: What’s the difference between praying at a church and praying at the casino? A:  When praying at the casino, you pray with all your heart!
  • Q: What’s the difference between casino players and politicians? A:  Casino players tell the truth sometimes.
  • Q: What did the rabbit say to the lion at the roulette table? A:  I’m glad you’re not a cheetah.

Poker jokes

  • What do you call a professional poker player who broke up with his girlfriend? – Homeless.
  • Santa Claus is a super easy opponent; he always checks it twice.
  • Jeff was a little shy at the poker table. He didn’t want to show his hand just yet.
  • Everyone said that Cody would be a wonderful maid, all he does is fold!
  • The tiger was mad that he lost at poker last night. He said that this is the last time he plays with a cheetah.

Card jokes

  • Why can’t pirates play cards? Because they’re standing on the deck!
  • What has a heart and no organs? A deck of cards!
  • How does the Eskimo make a house of cards? Igloos it!
  • Signs that you might have a poker addiction: your children are named Check and Raise.
  • Your best chance to get a Royal Flush in a casino is in the bathroom.
  • Marriage is like a deck of cards. All you need at first is two hearts and a diamond. But in the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

Gambling and casino one-liners

French bulldogs playing cards
  • I make a bet with a local farmer each year as to which lamb will jump highest. I like a gambol.
  • Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
  • I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
  • Lost money betting with one of the big cats at the zoo. Think he was a cheetah.
  • Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.
  • I gambled on a giraffe race the other day. Mine came second. Lost by a neck. It was nowhere near.
  • I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.
  • I used to love eating chips until I got banned from the casino.
  • I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half-past three.
  • Walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop. What are the odds of that?
  • A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows. I think he has a gamboling problem.
  • Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.

Longer stories and jokes about gambling

The Lonely Punter

My wife has left me because I am a compulsive gambler. I’d do anything to win her back.

The Speech Impediment

A MAN with a speech impediment rushed up to a bookmaker after the fifth race and said, “I bbbbacked a ffffive tttt …”

The bookie interrupted him before he could finish.

“Look, mate there was no five to one winner, so buzz off.”

Not to be deterred the punter had another go.

“Bbbbut I bbbbacked a fffffive-tttt …”

The bookie, now a bit annoyed, told him to buzz off again but the punter persisted.

When the bookie could take no more he pulled out a $20 note and gave it to the punter and said, “Now bugger off and stop annoying me.”

The punter accepted the note and reluctantly walked away before bumping into a mate, who asked him how his day was going.

“Wwwell, I … I … just met a bbbloody good bbbookie. I tttried to tttell him I bbbacked me fffive tttton ttruck into his Mer … Mercedes and he gggave me tttwenty bbbucks.”

Confucius Says

Vector illustration of Monkeys see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil

“There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.” — Jack Yelton

“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” — Steven Wright

Give ’Em an Inch

I was at the track and asked a guy for a tip. He asked me how long my pecker was, I told him 8 inches, he said to bet the 8 horse.

The 3 horse won the race ……. damn, I knew I shouldn’t have lied.

Do You Have a Gambling Problem?

A man goes into a casino and sees a sign that reads: “If you have a gambling problem, call 1–800-GAMBLER.”

He thinks about it for a moment and then dials the number. When they answered he said, “I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?”

I’ll Take That Bet… To Be Sure To Be Sure

I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland. A group of American tourists came in.

One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think you’re great drinkers.

I bet $5,000 that no one here can drink 20 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”

The bar was silent, but the American noticed one Irishman leaving. No one took up the bet.

40 minutes later, the Irishman who left returned and said, “Hey Yank, is yer bet still on?”

“Sure,” said the American, “20 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of $5,000 .”

“Grand, ” replied the Irishman, “so pour the pints and start the clock.”

It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.

“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Irishman. 

“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money,” said the American. “But tell me, when I first offered the wager, I saw you leave. Where did you go?’

“Well sir”, replied the Irishman, “$5,000 is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”

Play new casino games now with Borgata Online Casino

We hope that you have enjoyed a little bit of lighthearted humor with our casino and gambling jokes. At times like these, we believe that keeping your spirits up is tantamount to making it through and what better way to spend your time safely at home by playing and hopefully winning, at an online casino. 

Sign up with Borgata Online Casino to play casino online games from the comfort of your own home. With 24/7 access and plenty of new games being introduced all the time, we offer the perfect place to keep boredom at bay!